Six hundred and seven minutes, around ten hours, of our lives wasted watching cringey romance, sparkling vampires and horrible acting.  

Now maybe that was a little harsh, but it’s true. Much of the acting in this series is sub-par and it’s made worse by the dreadful writing. 

In our respective homes, we sit in front of a hazy blue and green screen titled “Twilight” with a mix of different emotions. 

8:58 pm: 

Amanda: Popcorn has been made and it’s slightly burnt, but everything’s okay. Now we hit play!!

Jieun: Even though I’ve never seen Twilight before, I feel like I sort of already know what it’s about. It’s such a big piece of pop culture that I feel like I’ve been adequately warned against watching this. Alright, turning on the movie.

9:00:

A: To start off movie 1, we have a nice majestic deer montage to start off our journey, weird but ok. Then a super awkward interaction between Bella and her dad, Charlie, to start off the dialogue of the movie. Already off to a cringe-worthy start!

J: Something about the filter of this movie makes me feel like I’m in a fever dream. 

9:08:

A: Our first look at the Cullen family in action. Edward walks into the school cafeteria and has a dark, broody and mysterious look to him. I already want to quit this movie marathon. 

J: Ohh and here comes edgy Mr. Byron. Robert Pattinson looks absolutely miserable. The family is a bunch of pale emos. I love it. 

9:21:

A: We got to the famous scene where Edward saves Bella from the car. How romantic. He almost exposes his true nature for a girl he just met and only talked to once. A little creepy if you ask me. Also his hand makes a dent in the car, how does no one find it and wonder?? 

J: Bella heavy breathes in this. I dunno what else to say

9:51:

A: When in Portland with her friends, Bella finds out a bunch of weird Vampire facts from a local bookstore and pieces it together that Edward is a vampire. Then the next day they are in the woods (not smart Bella) and she confides that she knows what he is. He could have killed her to keep his secret safe, but instead they start dating. 

J: “You’re not scared of me?” Proceeds to glitter like a disco ball. 

9:52:

A: “This is the skin of a killer, Bella” omg. So cringey. I had to stop the movie for a second and take a deep breath. But I knew I had to keep going. The fate of the twilight fandom rested on me. 

J: I don’t know much about Twilight, but I do know that this is a very meme-able quote. And now I see why. 

10:20:

A: “Hold on tight spider monkey” he says this while swinging Bella from trees outside his house. I can just imagine his family seeing this and laughing at him from inside. Edward. Stop. Why did he say that? Was it because he wanted me to die of cringe? He must be stopped from saying cringey things!

J: Surely 100 or so years of existence makes you think of better pet names?????

10:36

A: The infamous baseball scene is happening and a new clan of vampires come and smell Bellas delicious blood and set out to eat her. This is the climax of the movie.

J: If you had told me this scene would be in the movie, I would’ve watched it so much sooner.

10:41:

A: Bella is currently dying on the floor. Now yes, this was a big jump from baseball to attempted murder but the vampire who wanted to eat Bella lured her to her old ballet studio (how cliche)  and tried to eat her. He was killed by Edward but he did manage to bite her and she was quickly turning into a vampire. 

10:47:

A: What in the world is Bella wearing to the prom? Disgraceful? Leggings?? I physically cringed when she walked down the stairs. 

J: This scene was the scariest scene in the whole movie

10:53:

I have successfully completed the first move of the Twilight series without falling asleep or dying of cringeness. I call this a success!

J: I feel like I can affectionately refer to this movie as a flaming piece of garbage. I loved it.

11:00: Twilight: New Moon

11:14

A: The cullens host a small birthday party for bella and of course clumsy bella has to get a papercut. I’ll sum the entire scene up for you. An entire drop of her blood falls (which is entirely dramatized) and all of them smell her delicious blood and either run away because they gave self control or run at her to suck the life out of her. Now Edward being protective and all defends her. But this causes a strain in the relationship and now Edward sees the dangers for Bella to be dating him.

J: Scenes like this remind me that Fifty Shades of Gray was originally self insert Twilight fanfiction. 

11:26

A: Edward has taken Bella to the woods to dump her (very dramatically) and she has a panic attack on the forest floor (ew bugs) and a werewolf finds her sleeping in the woods. Anyway the entire Cullen family has moved away and left Bella really empty. She connected with them and now feels a huge hole in her heart. She becomes really depressed for the next few months. I kinda feel bad for her 🙁

J: Mournful, drawn out silences in sad music as Bella laments over a 4 week relationship. I’ve had a longer relationship with a jar of peanut butter than their relationship. 

11:36:

A:bella has turned over a new leaf. She starts hanging out with Jacob, her dad’s friend’s son, and they become better friends in Edwards absence. They bond over these old dirt bikes and become good friends. But we soon realize that Bella is only doing these dangerous things (like riding a dirt bike) because she sees an Edward hallucination while doing it. She sounds a bit crazy to me but whatever.

J: I think this is where the whole Team-Edward, Team-Jacob thing came from, and to be honest I’m a bit underwhelmed. Are these the men we’re fighting tooth and nail for?

12:06:

A: I’ve hit midnight. I’m getting tired and the movies no longer feel cringrey and dramatic anymore, which means I’m reeeeally sleep deprived. We’re also at a point in the movie where Jacob has fully transformed physically and now has abs. We get no information on how he became jacked in like a couple weeks. But he no longer owns shirts?? He is fully shirtless in every scene trying to show off his abs to Bella to try to impress her maybe??? 

J: Is he, like, furry… everywhere?

12:32:

A: ALICE?? She showed up in a sports car and mysteriously needed Bella to go save Edward (dramatically of course). It’s kind of random and rude considering Bella tried reaching out before and got no answer. It’s so sudden and unexpected but it makes for good surprises in the movie. 

J: Annnddd we’re back to the vampire thing. 

12:35-1:39:

A:Bella has a four minute slow-mo montage of her running to save Edward. Her facial expressions are making me laugh. I think I’m becoming even more sleep deprived than before. Can that happen?

J: Everything after this moment of cinematography simply doesn’t compare. Tarantino cried. Coppola rolled in his grave.

12:40

A: THE VOLTURI?? A group of vampires that rule all vampires and are very weird and creepy. Why are they so interested in plain old bella from Washington?? It doesn’t make any sense

J: I dunno man, it doesn’t make sense to me either.

1:00
A: nothing of importance happens in this movie, such a waste of time. Anyways. Time for movie 3! Twilight: Eclipse

1:10

A: very important news: my popcorn has finally run out.

1:41:

A: OMG. JACOB JUST KISSED BELLA AND SHE PUNCHED HIM AND BROKE HER WRIST. Cmon Jacob, what about consent?? Besides this scene not much had happened yet. The only thing of interest in that there are some murders happening in the area. But considering vampires live and feed on humans (The Cullens don’t, they drink animal blood) it’s not crazy to see a few murders here and there 

2:19:

A: Sometimes I forget how crazy this series is and each time I watch it I remember. Because Edward just proposed to Bella. FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE. AT 18. I can’t believe this. And the way he did it was so awkward and un-climatic. He got down on one knee in the guest bedroom of his house… talk about boring. This guy is mega rich and couldn’t think of anything better

J: The dialogue is so incredibly wooden that I’m slowly starting to believe the fact that he’s a cold, lifeless vampire.

2:45:

A:Remember from the first movie when Bella gets bit by a vampire and Edward sucked the vemon out? Yeah well the girlfriend of the guy/vampire who did it is back and wants revenge for his death… by killing Bella. She (Victoria) created a vampire army with those murder victims from earlier in the movie and attacked the Cullens. Long story short, we still have two more movies so obviously Bella and Edward don’t die. But Victoria was murdered violently and her head was chopped off.

J: Awesome!!! Nothing like an irrelevant side villain on the side of bland romance to spice things up. 

2:55: 

A: BORING. On to the next movie lets see some ACTION happen!! This series is becoming very boring.

3:00: BREAKING DAWN: Part 1

3:09: 

A:So apparently  Bella said yes to marrying Edward?? I forgot that part ( or maybe I fell asleep) anyways this movie starts with the Bachelor and Bachelorette party the night before the wedding. 

J: White-people weddings are so boring. 

3:30:

We cut to the part where Bella and Edward go on their honeymoon and they watch as people sing and dance in the streets of Rio, then they get on a boat?? Apparently the Cullens own an island off the coast of Brazil?? Ok rich guy.

J: How much more of a white person’s wedding can this be? 

3:50:

A: So Bella threw up and is pregnant. This seems very unbelievable considering Edward is dead… but the plot must go on. Anyways only once ever has a half human half vampire baby been born and the mother died. So this isn’t looking too good for bella.

J: Nice… making up lore as we go, huh?

4:25

A:SO far, Bella is home and staying in the cullen’s house to monitor the pregnancy and turns out the baby is sucking the life out of her. Then Carlisle has her drink a human blood smoothie to feed the baby. The movie is so weird but substantially less boring than the last two movies. So I consider this an upgrade. 

J: This part is pretty cool, not gonna lie.

4:40:

A: Jesus. Bella falls and triggers birth and let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. It was a very traumatic scene and was very graphic. Bella ends up dying from the blood loss and flat lines on the table. Then the wolves get angry at the vampires for killing Bella and attack. Jacob splits up the fight (surprisingly) 

J: You know, in the depths of my withered little grinch heart I do feel a little sympathy for Bella. She’s been through so much to give birth to an ugly little CGI demon baby.

4:45:

A: Oh nevermind, Bella is alive. But judging by her red eyes she is now a young vampire. The movie ends here on this cliffhanger. I can’t imagine watching this in theaters and having to wait a year to see what happens. 

J: I want to go to sleep

5:00:BREAKING DAWN: Part 2:

5:11:

A: Um. Jacob has some explaining to do. He just said that he imprinted on the baby (Renesmee) idk what that means but sounds kinda weird. Anyways Bella gets really mad (justifiably) and kicks Jacobs butt with her new found vampire strength. 

J: Rightttt… this is a thing…

5:26:

A: The cullens have told Bella’s dad for the past month that she had a disease and needed to be quarantined in their house. That excuse only lasts for a little while. Anyways new vampire Bella has to adjust to lying about being a human and has to purposely do things like breath, blink and move around every once in a while, Oh and she had to try to not drink her dads blood and kill him because younger vampires aren’t trained yet and have no control. Thankfully the meeting goes well and everyone comes out alive. 

J: Cue intense breathing and weirdly intimate close up scenes. 

5:31:

A: A vampire from another clan sees Bella with her bay and assumes that the baby is a full vampire (which is forbidden by the Volturi)

6:10:

A: The last 40 minutes have been the Cullens recruiting other vampire clans/allies to fight against the volturi if they attack. 

J: It’s like the movie makers baked a whole cake and then cracked an egg on top of the fully formed lore of the past few movies. 

6:1

A: Ooooooooh an epic snowy battle, how cool. 

J: The fight scenes are actually pretty cool. 

6:38:

A: An almost 30 minute battle scene happened and mostly everyone died. Except that that was all a vision Alice had and it didn’t happen and the Volturi finally saw that Renesmee wanted a full vampire child and let the Cullens go. Happily ever after for everyone. 

J: Yayyyy *shakes empty bowl of popcorn unenthusiastically* 

Overall: 

A: Sleep deprived, bored and cringed out. This marathon was a waste of time and a waste of precious time that I could have been sleeping. This saga is predictable and borderline creepy in almost every single scene. The acting is mediocre and the writing is horrible. 

J: Yeah, yeah. These movies were a cultural reset. They’re notorious for being a dumpster fire, but they’re notorious for being so incredibly bingeable. I feel like… a different person, I guess. But please, for the love of god, let me sleep.